Fuck Yeah John Oliver!

“Andy, I was doing standup in Charlotte, North Carolina last weekend and rather than stay in a hotel, I stayed with my 94 year old great-grandmother in-law in her retirement community. Now, I thought it might be a nice change of speed on the road and, you know, a good way to spend extra time with her. What I hadn’t thought about at all, Andy, was how difficult it was going to be to get back into the old people’s home at one in the morning after my late show. Not many people want to go into a retirement community at one in the morning, Andy. But I definitely did think about that problem when I got to the security gate at that time and no one was there. I thought about it a lot then, because I realized I had to climb over the fence with a bag over my shoulder knowing that security was probably doing the rounds and might understandably run with a shoot first, ask questions later strategy if they saw me. I basically had to break into an old people’s home at one in the morning, and as I was balanced with a leg either side of the security fence about to drop onto the other side, it’s one of those moments where you like to stop for a second and ask yourself the question, ‘What am I doing with my life? What is wrong with me? Why have I put myself in the position where I have to break into an old people’s home? This is not the behavior of an adult human being, and also, this is no way to die.’”

—On his ridiculous personal life, The Bugle 184 (via sixpencesoulcake)